This, and the Hoffenblum Classification System for Animals [2010]

“Animals will be classified in my classifying system by the location where they are found.”

— Robyn Hoffenblum, 2010

“This is my farm!  This is my fence!  And these are my animals!”

— Spongehead, 1993

This, as my animal, needs to be in a designated place of me, which is an as-yet-undetermined classification.  Not unlike a small, spiky mammal (a veritable “hedgehog”, if you will), this is a living/breathing/shitting, somewhat ignorant creature, of which there are 17 species straddling 5 genera.  And, although it is most often found along the projective hedgerows of Europe, Asia, Africa, and New Zealand, it has been known to occasionally surface in the less temperate climates of my dark continent, as well as in the little plastic container of the African Safari Wildlife Park in Port Clinton, Ohio.  All that being said, and understood:  Shall we find a proper cage for this disagreeable little fellow?

THE FARM

[family]

[sleep]

[solitude]

[madness]

[sex]

[friends]

[anger]

[school]

              insert “hedgehog” here ⟶[               ]⟵ what genre is this?

[creativity]

[music]

[loneliness]

[humor]

[work]

[health]

[defecation]

[love]

“Animals can also be divided in what possible threat they pose towards others.”

— Robyn Hoffenblum, 2010

“…wandering in a field…looking aimlessly for cowslips…to make a ball…”

— Samuel Beckett, from Not I (1972)

  This is also a threat.  It is a large, snarling beast of me, frothing at the mouth to get at the heart of the matter, which is a system, a new category, wherein it can be defined, defiantly.  It is after every animal that has been classified.  It smells the blood of genre, and it is raging with lust!  To capture it will require caution and precise action.  It is poisonous.  It is carrying disease.  It is desperate, and frightened, and irrational.  This is a crazed killer!  (And, on top of every other being which needs to be dealt with, from Bertrand to Altman, it is absolutely essential to know at this point: How might the other animals be posing?  Learning?  Reacting?  Do they have questions?  Are they rattling their cages?)  “Have we not yet found a cage for this violent fucker?”  “What about the god-damned jail?”

⎡---------------------------------------------⎤

⎢ fish                                                                                 ⎥

⎢ reptile                           ⎥

⎢ amphibian                                                 ⎥

⎢ mammal           ⎥

⎢   insect                                    ⎥

⎢     bird                                                                                        ⎥

⎢ invertebrate             ⎥

⎢          vertebrate                                                     ⎥

⎣-------------------------------------------- ↑

                                                                                                             insert

                                                                                                             captured

                                                                                                             violent fucker

                                                                                                             here

(There is a lesson to be learned here, I’m almost certain of it.)

“Animals will also be classified by their special abilities.”

— Robyn Hoffenblum, 2010

“Theology, ethics, history, and everyday experience teach us that to achieve equilibrium there is not an infinity of secrets; there is only one:  submit.”
— E. M. Cioran, from A Short History of Decay (1949)

           Ah...Um...the Hoffenblum Classification System?