CHARACTER LIST
MEGATHERIUM -- enormous, lumbering, aging male rock star vocalist
CUVIERONIUS -- MEGATHERIUM'S kick-ass soloist, slightly less enormous and male
TOTO FOIL -- handsome male host of the weekly variety show, THE ROCK
THE MAGNETTES -- 3 scantily clad, extremely hairy, Cro-Magnon-looking female
backing vocalists
backing vocalists
The scene takes place on a gigantic theater stage during the taping of the weekly variety
show, THE ROCK. There is a very enthusiastic live audience present.
show, THE ROCK. There is a very enthusiastic live audience present.
A spotlight suddenly shines on the extreme far left of the
otherwise dim, specially reinforced stage, where
TOTO FOIL stands atop a 10-foot ladder, stretching up
with his microphone to reach the mouth of
MEGATHERIUM. MEGATHERIUM, though resting
on his hind legs and slouching considerably, is still nearly
17 feet tall. TOTO FOIL begins to conduct his ritual
pre-performance interview.
otherwise dim, specially reinforced stage, where
TOTO FOIL stands atop a 10-foot ladder, stretching up
with his microphone to reach the mouth of
MEGATHERIUM. MEGATHERIUM, though resting
on his hind legs and slouching considerably, is still nearly
17 feet tall. TOTO FOIL begins to conduct his ritual
pre-performance interview.
TOTO FOIL So, Mega, this is your 9783rd album, and 51st for relative upstart,
Epic Records. To what do you attribute your staying power, and,
more importantly, your commercial viability?
Epic Records. To what do you attribute your staying power, and,
more importantly, your commercial viability?
MEGATHERIUM (drooling and spitting profusely in an unbelievably loud voice)
GRRRRRR. SCHLOP SCHLOP. BRRAWWWK. GAWWWMP.
GRRRRRR. SCHLOP SCHLOP. BRRAWWWK. GAWWWMP.
TOTO FOIL (wiping spit from his face)
I see, I see. Well certainly, a fan base as substantial as yours is no
joke. Now, as far as the band is concerned, are you and
CUVIERONIUS the only remaining original members?
joke. Now, as far as the band is concerned, are you and
CUVIERONIUS the only remaining original members?
MEGATHERIUM GRRRUMMMP. PUP PUP PUP PUP. RAWR RAWR
REEEEEEER. SCHOOP.
REEEEEEER. SCHOOP.
TOTO FOIL Of course. Those were different times, indeed. And will there be a
tour this time around?
tour this time around?
MEGATHERIUM BRRRAAK. AH RAAR RAAR. EEEORRRP. GAHHRROMP.
TOTO FOIL (turning to face the audience)
Outstanding! Well, are you ready for THE ROCK?
The audience applauds uproariously as MEGATHERIUM
slogs to the center of the now fully lit stage, where he
assumes his position at the microphone beside soloist, CUVIERONIUS.
slogs to the center of the now fully lit stage, where he
assumes his position at the microphone beside soloist, CUVIERONIUS.
TOTO FOIL All right! Then without any further ado, giving the debut
performance of his brand new single, "Extinction", ladies and
gentlemen: MEGATHERIUM!
The anonymous band -- including two guitarists, two
keyboardists, a bassist and a drummer -- launches into a
plodding and monstrous metallic dirge as the crowd goes
absolutely apeshit. The three back-up singers sway
seductively behind MEGATHERIUM and
CUVIERONIUS.
keyboardists, a bassist and a drummer -- launches into a
plodding and monstrous metallic dirge as the crowd goes
absolutely apeshit. The three back-up singers sway
seductively behind MEGATHERIUM and
CUVIERONIUS.
MEGATHERIUM (singing -- in a somewhat surprising, slightly effeminate, almost
Mick Jagger-esque voice)
redundant dumb it
channels tinkle pit
arm under rote
ripe lily backsplash
lapping purple sash
storm tosser vote
advancing seemly
nickel peeling knee
balm blase leap
corpuscle blackboard
dimple leopard lore
loom liar keep
THE MAGNETTES (in sexy, three-part chorus harmony)
shunt ship shirk lip
bunk button tip
lulu looking kong intervene
clip clap kook nap
dip dangle flap
hula singing wrong Pliocene
MEGATHERIUM tornado link lick
tigers tumble sick
hum diddley bow
fantastic armpit
tagging carmel knit
ram instant know
armistice log rule
rifle Buddha fool
clum quarrel tank
Anderson lime horse
doodoo humper course
strum rancid blank
THE MAGNETTES shunt ship shirk lip
bunk button tip
lulu looking kong intervene
clip clap kook nap
dip dangle flap
hula singing wrong Pleistocene
There is a brief drum break, followed by a wave of
applause. MEGATHERIUM stands nearly motionless as
he continues to sing.
MEGATHERIUM underwear fleet loop
tanner dandy stoop
lamb lowly droid
"Supernaut" hawk leave
dreadful mocking weave
calm muscle void
pimp silly lowlife
concert candy strife
harm dildo thief
banister zip crack
after bumble back
roam cancer sheaf
butter boo scrape link clunk ting!
CUVIERONIUS saunters to the edge of the stage, a
portrait of cool. He slowly raises his trunk up from
between his tusks and trumpets forth a wild, technically
proficient solo, the likes of which he's become known for
over the years.
CUVIERONIUS rear roar rear rooooo
rear roar rear rooooo
rear ron ring ron wrinkle roo
rear roar rear rooooo
rear roar rear rooooo
rear run writ right ripple room
rear run writ right ripple room
room
room room room room room room roooooooooooooooooom
riddledeediddledee riddledeediddledee
riddledeediddledee riddledeediddledee
rear roar rear roar rear roar rooooo
riddledeediddledee riddledeediddledee
riddledeediddledee riddledeediddledee
riddledeediddledee riddledeediddledee
rear roar rear roar rear roar rooooo
ooh ooh oooooh
The audience goes apeshit again as the solo ends and
MEGATHERIUM resumes singing.
MEGATHERIUM under limer lean
bloated signer scene
chank chank chank chank chank chank chank uhhh!
candy bar oak me
loser lumpy sea
jam Leggo curd
chandelier snake fat
condo cubist brat
bum uncle nerd
telecast trunk meat
vibing lasso peat
cram fido curl
necromance ding board
zoning afro horde
plum candle merle
THE MAGNETTES shunt ship shirk lip
bunk button tip
lulu looking kong intervene
clip clap kook nap
dip dangle flap
hula singing wrong
MEGATHERIUM (in response)
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
THE MAGNETTES shunt ship shirk lip
bunk button tip
lulu looking kong intervene
clip clap kook nap
dip dangle flap
hula singing wrong
MEGATHERIUM ONE MORE TIME!
THE MAGNETTES (bringing it home with some Muscle Shoals soul)
shunt ship shirk lip
shunt ship shirk lip
bunk button tip
lulu looking kong intervene
clip clap kook nap
dip dangle flap
hula singing wrong...
hula singing wrong...
hula singing wrong...
MEGATHERIUM HOLOCENE!!!
And as the final word hangs in the air, and the song comes
to its triumphant conclusion, a series of pyrotechnic
explosions go off at the edge of the stage, including one
that instantly and completely incinerates
MEGATHERIUM. The audience applauds like no other
audience has ever applauded, believing
MEGATHERIUM'S disappearance to be part of the act. CUVIERONIUS, THE MAGNETTES, and the rest of the
band stand stunned for 15 seconds, staring down at the ash
remains of their singer. As the applause begins to die down,
TOTO FOIL runs nervously onto the stage with microphone
in hand.
TOTO FOIL (hesitantly)
That's... "Extinction"... (pause) by MEGATHERIUM.
TOTO FOIL, disconcerted, briefly assumes the staring
position of the band, before finally snapping back into host
mode.
position of the band, before finally snapping back into host
mode.
TOTO FOIL (feigning enthusiasm, issuing a tentative version of his famous
catchphrase)
catchphrase)
Now that's... THE ROCK? (contemplative pause) We'll be right
back after a few words from our sponsors.
back after a few words from our sponsors.
END SCENE
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